Summer 2009
For the most part I have a ton of questions that are slowly being answering. I’ve been to many of churches in my life, and I’ve had friends from many different religious backgrounds ranging from Mormon, to Adventist, to Charismatic. A lot of family on my mother’s side is Catholic. She was raised Pentecostal in a small town down south in Southern Illinois. Oddly her maiden name comes from a Jewish bloodline traced back to what is now Central Poland.
My father has a very deep faith, and a good understanding of scriptures. He has been a great help in offering his commentary for me to weigh against my own feelings on matters of religion and scripture. It turns out that he was in a pastoral seminary school in Arizona when my mother became pregnant with me, so he left school and they came back to Illinois. We've had very few discussions on his decision, all I know is that he attended Wheaton College for awhile, but then fell into a career as technician with Sears.
We attended a Christian school before going to public schools. My first memory of church is from when I came forward one morning at school to be saved. I really enjoyed hearing all the old testament narratives every day before going to class. When I moved to public schools, we left the church at our school for one that was local. They had an Awana group for kids, so I decided to do that instead of Cub Scouts. One night they asked what we wanted to be when we grew up, and I said "a pastor." I don't know exactly when it happened, just that there was a fight within the church that cause the pastor to leave, so we stopped attending.
We gravitated between Baptist and Presbyterian from then onward, and my spiritual growth came to halt. I found that a lot of churches promoted an idea of faith that was easy, but salvation that was nearly impossible to achieve. I came to resent the fact that it was hard for me to push the I believe button, when it seemed so easy for the other Sunday school kids. I was surrounded by people who never talked about a struggle with faith, and it never seemed to resonate correctly. Church became very uncomfortable because of the every Sunday salvation sermons, and in those times I always perceived the vibe to be dark and unhappy. Gradually it began to feel like the congregations were made up of people who were bleeding from their spiritual misery, and they were no more happy with their secured salvation belief than I was sitting there feeling horrible because I was struggling with faith.
Later I came to understand that I wasn’t created to follow in the manner of 'make yourself believe or go to hell.' I hungered for a living faith, and nobody could explain how to find this kind of faith. I was asking some profound questions for someone so young… questions that most adults don’t feel comfortable talking about, and I certainly didn’t have the capabilities to answer them for myself.
Eventually we stopped attending churches, so instead 'Focus On The Family' began to rule our home. James Dobson and his cult of fear, ooooh joy. The instruction manual came complete with 'what tapes to burn, how to enact moral rule by traditional values, and why to favor fundamentalist ideology over Christ's teachings of grace, love, and forgiveness.' When I heard the word 'love' out of a Christian's mouth, I came to know it as only being associated with discipline. Love to the fundamentalist seems to be such a non-word. I have bias, and I will admit my bias.
Fast forward...
While on deployment in Bosnia we were having weekly bible studies, and I began reading a lot of Christian books. I started considering a career in religions as my path when I got out of the Army. What I wanted most of all was stability in my life, and a career that would support a family. I reenlisted as a Biomedical Technician with marriage in mind. It was one of the most non-field oriented jobs in the Army, as opposed to being an infantry medic that was always in the field or on deployment. It felt nearly impossible to maintain a relationship when you're never home.
My girlfriend of a couple years was a closet atheist, and in a lot of ways I understood her reasoning. I really thought she’d come around at some point. She was a German-Croatian woman forced out of her birth country because of war. What do you say to someone who can't reason a God that would let such terrible things happen over religion?
Our relationship towards the end was forced to be long distance, and communication was hard when I was in the field, or on deployment. She became pregnant the last time we were together, so I tried to get her moved over on a Finance's Visa. When that didn’t work, I asked to be let out of my training, seeking a change of duty so that I could go back to Germany. I appealed to all the Chaplains on our post, and I was told by each of them that my obligation to the Army came before my religious beliefs. I felt like my calling was towards a family, but it was stripped away.
Being rendered completely powerless to stop something bad from happening is the most helpless feeling any person can have. It felt like God died the day my girlfriend had an abortion. I cried myself to sleep every night for weeks. Drinking became a crutch, soon it had been months since I could remember the last night that I hadn't passed out drunk. I didn't care about the Army anymore. I gained a lot of weight over that winter, ending in a discharge on weight control standard for being .07 over my body-fat allowance. A year into my second enlistment I found myself driving back home, completely lost inside.
Two months later I got one final letter ending with, “Adam I will always love you, but we are just not meant to be together in this lifetime. Maybe we can be together in the next." Years of darkness and depression followed. I had little to no desire for relationships, my identity detached itself from the world I once knew, and I literally dreaded going to sleep because I’d have to wake up and live another day of a life that had become my curse. At some point I had forgotten how to live a normal life.
A few years go by before the next big shift in my life. I had nightmares of falling off a roof that whole week before it happened. We were almost finished with the project, it was late in the day when I must have lost my footing, and the next thing I remember is waking up in the ambulance. The paramedics said to my parents, "he must have landed perfect, he is very lucky to be alive." I broke a bunch of bones in my face, and there were some fractures in both my elbows. Rehab took a while, so it seemed like a good time to start going to school.
In 2005 I bought a bass off an urge that wouldn't go away. The next year I was given a quarter of bass lessons as a birthday present from my brother. I took two years of bass lessons before it felt like I hit a brick wall. My teacher advised me to go out and find a band to play with because that is the only way to get better. I was very hesitant to do so, but my brother finally convince me to audition at his church for the praise and worship team. On May 21st of 2009 I played my first service, and I loved it.
Everything has started to feel right. I really can't explain why Christianity now feels different then it was in my past. It is something that I'm feeling inside, and it has completely trumped the idea of simply having a belief. Part of my questions hinge on trying to understand my story. I’ve been reading The Church Experiment, trying to understand faith and religion, and I can identify with a lot of the sentiments like, “the holy roller persona tend to feel fake, and in a lot of ways it appears to very creepy.” I felt miserable in those churches, and it didn't change as I grew older. Now I feel welcome in a community of loving people, and it feels great.
The Orchard - We Serve from The Orchard Community on Vimeo.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Introduction, part 2
I decided that after my open introduction, I really need to clarify my beliefs.
A month ago The Orchard finished a series called The Ultimate Question, and here I want to share the ultimate question that I’ve had trouble answering. It started as ‘I believe what now,’ but I found this to be a misleading question because I’ve always believed in God. Perhaps I could have phrased it as, “I found faith in God, what now?” Step two in the journey is often an offering to server God, but I thought that service was already taking place on weekends when I played worship music. I enjoyed serving, or more importantly I enjoyed being in the places where it feels like I’m meeting God. I wanted more, but I didn’t know how.
Here is the part where scholarship comes into the picture. I admit that I am a geek when it comes to the details, and I’m quite an odd person in how I arrange everything as a bizarre form of maximalism. In this way I find the New Testament has two sections; the life of Jesus Christ, and the Good News of the resurrection. I believe both of these are important, but in my growth it is the life of Jesus which appeared to be part three to the answer of my ‘what now’ question.
But understanding Jesus in light of the Old Testament is not an easy thing. Jesus lived his life in public view as a Rabbi, and it was quite an honorable title to have in that time, but I think in hindsight it kind of short changes the Son of God. He also lived without sin in a society that had a ridiculous amount of moral laws. I think they had their heads so far into their commitment to laws that they stopped paying attention to God. Jesus wants us to have faith, and he wants us to walk in accordance to the Holy Spirit.
Tim Keel gives the best definition I can find for Holy Spirit. In his Jacob's Well podcast Holy Spirit the Provocateur, Tim makes reference to Proverbs 16:9, and then he says;
“I believe the Holy Spirit provokes God’s people to go and to do what they would not let themselves do on their own. I believe that God’s Holy Spirit works in our lives to cause us to go and to do what we would not do if we were left to ourselves. The Spirit provokes. The Spirit pushes. The Spirit ignites and releases. We see this all through the books of Acts. We see it through Acts in the concept of mission.”
You can’t create rules that are going to cover every situation in life, and also there are rules that become dated when societies change. Women keep your hair long was a commandment in context to a society where prostitutes kept their hair short, but in the New Testament this is expressed as ‘don’t take on the appearance of evil,’ so in this we have a general application for how we are supposed to live under God in representation of the Body of Christ. When the Old Testament is legalized into Christianity, then we have reason to hold others in judgment, and we can further understand what Jesus was doing before the apostolic spreading of the Good News.
"I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain." (Galatians 2:21).
I really want to avoid being called a buffet style Christian, but there is truth to Jesus liberating us from this kind of legalization. In faith alone we open ourselves to the Holy Spirit, free to live under God, free to love God, and free to show our love to others.
What is part four of my journey with God? I don't know? I’m confident that if I’m aware of what is happening in my life, then I’ll recognize what the Holy Spirit is up to in my life.
A month ago The Orchard finished a series called The Ultimate Question, and here I want to share the ultimate question that I’ve had trouble answering. It started as ‘I believe what now,’ but I found this to be a misleading question because I’ve always believed in God. Perhaps I could have phrased it as, “I found faith in God, what now?” Step two in the journey is often an offering to server God, but I thought that service was already taking place on weekends when I played worship music. I enjoyed serving, or more importantly I enjoyed being in the places where it feels like I’m meeting God. I wanted more, but I didn’t know how.
Here is the part where scholarship comes into the picture. I admit that I am a geek when it comes to the details, and I’m quite an odd person in how I arrange everything as a bizarre form of maximalism. In this way I find the New Testament has two sections; the life of Jesus Christ, and the Good News of the resurrection. I believe both of these are important, but in my growth it is the life of Jesus which appeared to be part three to the answer of my ‘what now’ question.
But understanding Jesus in light of the Old Testament is not an easy thing. Jesus lived his life in public view as a Rabbi, and it was quite an honorable title to have in that time, but I think in hindsight it kind of short changes the Son of God. He also lived without sin in a society that had a ridiculous amount of moral laws. I think they had their heads so far into their commitment to laws that they stopped paying attention to God. Jesus wants us to have faith, and he wants us to walk in accordance to the Holy Spirit.
Tim Keel gives the best definition I can find for Holy Spirit. In his Jacob's Well podcast Holy Spirit the Provocateur, Tim makes reference to Proverbs 16:9, and then he says;
“I believe the Holy Spirit provokes God’s people to go and to do what they would not let themselves do on their own. I believe that God’s Holy Spirit works in our lives to cause us to go and to do what we would not do if we were left to ourselves. The Spirit provokes. The Spirit pushes. The Spirit ignites and releases. We see this all through the books of Acts. We see it through Acts in the concept of mission.”
You can’t create rules that are going to cover every situation in life, and also there are rules that become dated when societies change. Women keep your hair long was a commandment in context to a society where prostitutes kept their hair short, but in the New Testament this is expressed as ‘don’t take on the appearance of evil,’ so in this we have a general application for how we are supposed to live under God in representation of the Body of Christ. When the Old Testament is legalized into Christianity, then we have reason to hold others in judgment, and we can further understand what Jesus was doing before the apostolic spreading of the Good News.
"I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain." (Galatians 2:21).
I really want to avoid being called a buffet style Christian, but there is truth to Jesus liberating us from this kind of legalization. In faith alone we open ourselves to the Holy Spirit, free to live under God, free to love God, and free to show our love to others.
What is part four of my journey with God? I don't know? I’m confident that if I’m aware of what is happening in my life, then I’ll recognize what the Holy Spirit is up to in my life.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
An introduction
I’ve been working on the framework of this blog for about a month. In that time I've been testing my ideas against theologians and early church fathers, and I almost gave up. Honestly I came to doubt that I could publish a blog about faith, but I stuck it because my story is a story of hope for those who feel cast out or disconnected. Please bear with me while I ease into this.
Over the last year I’ve been keeping a journal of my thoughts. Initially it was a way to deal with the perceived spiritual slide I was feeling after the weekends of playing bass guitar in the worship portion of our services. Gradually it became a realization that I didn’t have a foundation for faith in Christianity, so I was leaving these weekends feeling full of grace, but bottoming out by the following Tuesday.
The more I started to understand God’s love, the more I understood grace. I wanted to write a song that would express these feelings, but I found myself without the slightest theological background to write something that would be considered worthy of an expression of praise. So I was compelled towards listening to sermons, learning, reading, testing, and I grew with God. I’m not sure how I came to this belief, but one day I found that faith in Christianity was a faith in one's ability to declare belief. I simply understood that I desired the Kingdom.
Yesterday I was researching the heretical views on ‘Inner Light,’ something that bumps heads with evangelicalized ‘born again,’ and this notion hits me as I read further along in Matthew. I started writing, and once finished I realized this is where my blog will begin.
I also realized that I do have a foundation.
So to begin...
Nicodemus calls Jesus, ‘Rabbi,' honoring Jesus by declaring him to be a doctor in the knowledge of divinity. I found this also could be translated as “my great one," or used to declare “my master.”
There is reference in the commentaries referring to Matthew 23:8; here Jesus instructed the disciples not to take the title of Rabbi, and within this instruction is a declaration that the disciples are equal in authority, or a more biased reading would render there to be no greater distinction between ministers. It begs to question, does anyone have the right to assume this kind of rabbinical dominion over faith? This teaching makes a lot of sense in corresponding to the way I’ve found the greater sources of truth to be rooted in humility, and not in those hiding behind the privileges of a title. We are not accountable to a title, to our congregations, or anything that would uproot the authority that God should have over our lives. Sometimes people want a to hear a different gospel, but our mission is kind of like in Paul saying, “If I were trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
To sum up what I come to understand about laws and practice of religion, nowhere does it say that we should stop following God’s laws. Found all over New Testament is this truth, a truth telling the reader that laws should not become the religion, and laws are not a substitute for faith. See Israel under the Pharisees. I believe that Jesus liberated us from the bondages of sin, and from the bondage of a religion based in legalities. Through Jesus we are offered a life that can be lived through grace.
It has been said many times over that laws do not prevent sin, and laws do nothing to redeem the sinner. Test what I say here, sin is literally defined as breaking divine law. Think about it for a minute. People are going to do what is in their heart, and the only way to live through grace is by a change of heart… to repent, a change of mind, to be born from above in the Spirit of God so that we may live through grace.
I come to the conclusion at this moment, possibly a key truth to the Christian religion is found in this; you can copy down every rule found in the bible and follow it to the teeth, or you can follow Jesus and honor what he taught. The more you follow his teachings, the closer you live in harmony with God. Brown commentary suggests that the teachers of Christianity should not take on titles to distinguish themselves; they are not obeying the teachings of Jesus, which could be viewed as just another sin to hold over your neighbors head if you practice through legalities. I think that if you follow Jesus in practice, acknowledging the truth of what he taught, having faith that he is the Logos, voice of God, possibly for these two millennium of what could be considered his kingdom. In this you acknowledge the true doctrine of God, and this in my opinion is how following Christ becomes a matter of faith. I’ve heard the Torah was considered to be law of ‘the way,' but Jesus comes back and corrects all the false doctrine of the time, looses 613 commandments into a handful, and he declares that if you want salvation, “I am the way.”
Over the last year I’ve been keeping a journal of my thoughts. Initially it was a way to deal with the perceived spiritual slide I was feeling after the weekends of playing bass guitar in the worship portion of our services. Gradually it became a realization that I didn’t have a foundation for faith in Christianity, so I was leaving these weekends feeling full of grace, but bottoming out by the following Tuesday.
The more I started to understand God’s love, the more I understood grace. I wanted to write a song that would express these feelings, but I found myself without the slightest theological background to write something that would be considered worthy of an expression of praise. So I was compelled towards listening to sermons, learning, reading, testing, and I grew with God. I’m not sure how I came to this belief, but one day I found that faith in Christianity was a faith in one's ability to declare belief. I simply understood that I desired the Kingdom.
Yesterday I was researching the heretical views on ‘Inner Light,’ something that bumps heads with evangelicalized ‘born again,’ and this notion hits me as I read further along in Matthew. I started writing, and once finished I realized this is where my blog will begin.
I also realized that I do have a foundation.
So to begin...
Nicodemus calls Jesus, ‘Rabbi,' honoring Jesus by declaring him to be a doctor in the knowledge of divinity. I found this also could be translated as “my great one," or used to declare “my master.”
There is reference in the commentaries referring to Matthew 23:8; here Jesus instructed the disciples not to take the title of Rabbi, and within this instruction is a declaration that the disciples are equal in authority, or a more biased reading would render there to be no greater distinction between ministers. It begs to question, does anyone have the right to assume this kind of rabbinical dominion over faith? This teaching makes a lot of sense in corresponding to the way I’ve found the greater sources of truth to be rooted in humility, and not in those hiding behind the privileges of a title. We are not accountable to a title, to our congregations, or anything that would uproot the authority that God should have over our lives. Sometimes people want a to hear a different gospel, but our mission is kind of like in Paul saying, “If I were trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
To sum up what I come to understand about laws and practice of religion, nowhere does it say that we should stop following God’s laws. Found all over New Testament is this truth, a truth telling the reader that laws should not become the religion, and laws are not a substitute for faith. See Israel under the Pharisees. I believe that Jesus liberated us from the bondages of sin, and from the bondage of a religion based in legalities. Through Jesus we are offered a life that can be lived through grace.
It has been said many times over that laws do not prevent sin, and laws do nothing to redeem the sinner. Test what I say here, sin is literally defined as breaking divine law. Think about it for a minute. People are going to do what is in their heart, and the only way to live through grace is by a change of heart… to repent, a change of mind, to be born from above in the Spirit of God so that we may live through grace.
I come to the conclusion at this moment, possibly a key truth to the Christian religion is found in this; you can copy down every rule found in the bible and follow it to the teeth, or you can follow Jesus and honor what he taught. The more you follow his teachings, the closer you live in harmony with God. Brown commentary suggests that the teachers of Christianity should not take on titles to distinguish themselves; they are not obeying the teachings of Jesus, which could be viewed as just another sin to hold over your neighbors head if you practice through legalities. I think that if you follow Jesus in practice, acknowledging the truth of what he taught, having faith that he is the Logos, voice of God, possibly for these two millennium of what could be considered his kingdom. In this you acknowledge the true doctrine of God, and this in my opinion is how following Christ becomes a matter of faith. I’ve heard the Torah was considered to be law of ‘the way,' but Jesus comes back and corrects all the false doctrine of the time, looses 613 commandments into a handful, and he declares that if you want salvation, “I am the way.”
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